On the outside, life is great and I’m 100% fine, and most days that is 100% true. But more recently than every before I’m not always 100% fine.
I don’t always notice it until someone says something that triggers a memory about my mother or someone says something about an experience they had with their mom that I then wish I could have with my own. Many days I have sat and wondered what life would be like if she were still here, how future events would unfold or how past events would have been different. All of these thoughts and emotions usually come swelling up with no warning at all. They catch me off guard and then once I start to tear up I get embarrassed. I don’t like crying in front of anyone, no matter how close I am to them; I feel weak if I show any sign that I am hurt or sad (although I am ok with crying in front of my best friend now, but that took 12 years).
Ever since April I have told everyone around me that I was fine and that I’m ok. For the most part that is true but I think it’s because I’ve chosen not to think about it. It’s easier to not think about my mom being gone than accepting that she is gone; if I accept that she is gone and I think about it it makes me sad. I’m usually a really happy person so if I’m upset the world doesn’t seem right. I feel as if I’m doing something wrong in my life.
Slowly but surely, however, I am coming to realize that it is ok for me to be sad and upset. I may not like it but it’s something that is required if I am to ever be truly 100% ok. So here I am, at the beginning stages of acceptance.
It sucks. But it’ll get better.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds