All posts by Amanda

About Amanda

I'm a sophomore in college at Trevecca Nazarene University in Nashville Tennessee. I'm a music major, I sing, play guitar and piano and I'm a songwriter. There is always some type of music running through my brain, whether it's a real song or some random tune I made up. I love God with all my heart and there's no place I'd rather be. My friends and family are the most important thing in my life besides God and my music. I don't know where I would be today if I didn't have them pushing me to be the best I can be! I'm happy with who I am and there is no one or anything that is ever going to change that.

I Am Blessed and I’m Going to Use it

Sometimes I wonder why I decided to take this path. I want to write music for the rest of my life and guess what, so does everyone else in this city. I know I have some people in my life that think that what I’ve chosen to do is not ideal or even possible to make a living doing, and frankly sometimes I think they’re right. Sometimes I start to think like them and then I also start to panic and wonder why I didn’t chose a career that is more secure and basically guaranteed to have a job straight out of college. I start to think about all the debt that I have and wonder how I’m ever going to get away from it.

Have I wasted this time in pursuing something that isn’t concrete? What happens if I never sell a single song? What if I’m stuck at a job that is meant to be a summer part-time job for the rest of my life? What if everyone that thinks this won’t work out is right?

What if…

What if…

The list could go on and on with my “what if’s”.

Honestly I don’t know how things are going to work out. Yes I still freak out about them on a daily basis, but I know that if I wasn’t meant to be where I am doing what I love then I wouldn’t be here. There have been so many open doors that I didn’t even pursue that I know I’m supposed to be here.

As I sit here writing down the thoughts that are constantly running around in my brain, I’m starting to realize that even if I don’t sell a single song I’m still going to be happy. I’m going to be happy because I’m doing what I love. I’m not doing it because I want to either; I’m doing it because I need to. It’s something that needs to be done and I can’t help it. It’s like breathing or blinking for me. I could stop if I wanted to but it won’t end well if I do.

I’ve had self-doubts about what I love and I know others have doubted me as well and trust me, I know I am not the most amazing songwriter, singer, musician; you can fill in the blank with anything really. What I do know though is that I can be the most amazing ME because I don’t want to give up on my passion.

I can give it all I’ve got despite what others think and I can work at becoming the best version of me that I can and that is what is going to count in the long run. Not how many songs I’ve sold or how far I’ve gotten in life. It’s always going to be about using my God-given talents the best way that I know how.

And no matter how many times I want to, giving up will never be a part of that. My talents and my purpose are not for men but for He who has given them to me. To waste them would be a terrible thing.

I’m not going to let whatever “what if’s” pop into my head keep me back from what I know I am supposed to do.

I was blessed with certain gifts and talents and God gave them to me to be the best person I can be and to have a positive impact on other people.
~Bryan Clay
Parable-Of-The-Talents
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Acceptance

On the outside, life is great and I’m 100% fine, and most days that is 100% true. But more recently than every before I’m not always 100% fine.

I don’t always notice it until someone says something that triggers a memory about my mother or someone says something about an experience they had with their mom that I then wish I could have with my own. Many days I have sat and wondered what life would be like if she were still here, how future events would unfold or how past events would have been different. All of these thoughts and emotions usually come swelling up with no warning at all. They catch me off guard and then once I start to tear up I get embarrassed. I don’t like crying in front of anyone, no matter how close I am to them; I feel weak if I show any sign that I am hurt or sad (although I am ok with crying in front of my best friend now, but that took 12 years).

Ever since April I have told everyone around me that I was fine and that I’m ok. For the most part that is true but I think it’s because I’ve chosen not to think about it. It’s easier to not think about my mom being gone than accepting that she is gone; if I accept that she is gone and I think about it it makes me sad. I’m usually a really happy person so if I’m upset the world doesn’t seem right. I feel as if I’m doing something wrong in my life.

Slowly but surely, however, I am coming to realize that it is ok for me to be sad and upset. I may not like it but it’s something that is required if I am to ever be truly 100% ok. So here I am, at the beginning stages of acceptance.

It sucks. But it’ll get better.

Psalms 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds

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UPDATED: Hey. You there. You probably need this.

I really needed this all month!!

The Bloggess

Hey there.  You.

It seems like everyone I know is having a really rough month.  Me too.  But things are going to be okay.  Promise.  October is right around the corner.

Until then, here’s a kitten meeting a donkey for the first time.

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The only way this could be more adorable would be if Benedict Cumberbatch was riding the donkey, while hugging a sloth, who was giving a hedgehog a bath.

UPDATED:  My extremely talented friend, Darth, just sent me this:

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Granted, it sort of looks like Benedict Cumberbatch is making a tossed salad of sloths and hedgehogs while his donkey eats a kitten, but somehow it still makes me incredibly happy.

See, world.  It doesn’t take much.

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Glue

My mom had been sick since I was in 6th grade and being in college this year that makes her having fought her battle for 7 long years. She passed away on Wednesday April 16th 2014 at 9:59 am. I was with one of my really good friends when I found out. I didn’t cry. All could do was breath in and out rapidly as if I were going to hyperventilate.

I was thinking later about it: why didn’t I cry? Why was it that whenever I told the news to some of my closest friends I didn’t cry? And how’s come others who weren’t close to me at all could say one word and make me burst into unforgiving tears? Why can’t I be strong around strangers and yet I don’t feel like I can be weak around those who love me?

So as I layed in a hotel bed with two of my closest friends I finally figured it out. I suddenly realized why I don’t cry around the people I am closest to (right around the same time most of my epiphanies find me, which is usually sometime after 12:30 in the morning).

My closest friends know I keep things together and fixed. I’m what keeps them together when they fall apart. I’m there to put all the pieces back in place. Those who don’t know me have no clue that I am the glue. They can think that I’m like everyone else and that I fall apart sometimes. I don’t have to hold up my reputation to them of being said glue because they don’t know I that Im ever the glue at all.

I am the glue, I have always been the glue, and I always will be the glue.

That’s why I don’t want those closest to me see me cry. Because when glue gets wet things come apart…

Why God is Like a Writing Desk

So I’m a freshman this year and while I’m here at college I have a loft bed. To get into my bed I climb the rails like a ladder and to get down I step on my roommate’s desk which is conveniently placed at the end of my bed. The heighth of the bed, however, is higher than normal because I have it on bed raisers so I can fit taller things under it, thus making the distance between the top of my bed and the surface of her desk farther than what it would normally be.

Now you see, I have gotten out of my bed many times using her desk and I know it’s always there and that it isn’t going anywhere, but there have been those times when I have had to get out of bed in the dark and for a moment I have a miny panic attack thinking that it isn’t going to be there and that I am going to fall and kill myself. Now even though my roommate would get free tuition if I did die, this would not be an ideal thing to happen at 1 am. So I know that my roommate hasn’t moved it in the last few hours I’ve been asleep and I’m pretty sure that I would’ve woken up if that had been the case, but for some reason my brain thinks that it’s a possibility that some weird, magic, demon elves could have come and moved it in compete silence and that it isn’t going to be there just because my eyes can’t see it. I know this is completely irrational and I often times reprimand my brain for thinking such things, but it still tends to happen any way. So as I slowly begin to slide farther and farther off my bed, all I can do is hope that somehow the desk is still there and that I’ll live to see the light of day once again. And after what seems like an eternity, my foot finally feels the surface of the desk and relief sets in.

So I was thinking about this situation and it made me realize that this is me when I feel that things in my life are in the dark and it seem that God isn’t there. I feel that if I go anywhere I’m going to fall and get hurt, when in reality He’s waiting right where He’s always been. Just because I can’t see Him doesn’t mean that He isn’t there anymore, He’s waiting for me to just step out and realize that He’s never left. I have to take that leap of faith that I know will be solid and trust that I’ll be ok.

I have to remind myself that God will always be the like the desk at the end of my bed. No one is going to move Him and no one ever will and there is nothing that I can do that will ever change where He can or cannot be.

Hebrews 11:1
King James Version (KJV)
*Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.*

Don’t Mind Me As I Slowly Steal This Ballpoint Pen Piece By Piece

I really like the way this story is told. I’d be tempted to try this myself…

This Ain't Even Funny

pen Please don’t mind me as I slowly steal this ballpoint pen, piece by piece, over the next half hour. You may believe that you and I are having a normal conversation at this inconspicuous coffee shop when, in fact, something devious is happening right under your nose: I am stealing your pen.

That’s right, I’ve had my eye on this beautiful piece of Bic machinery since you casually swiped it out to write something in your Moleskine notebook while you were still talking.

By this point, as you tither on about some article you saw online, your pen has been completely disassembled with the components lying neatly in front of me. Do you notice? No. Why? Because you’re too engrossed in your own conversation, that’s why.

If you were to stop and ask me, “Hey, Matt, why is my pen taken apart on the table in front of you?” I…

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Fear

Everyone has something their afraid of. For some it’s spiders, snakes, heights or even the ocean. They can sometimes control us, they turn into the deciding factor for what we do next in our life. We can choose to run away from them or be strong and face them.

One fear I have noticed among new friends I have made this year in college is the fear of love: they’re afraid to love and to be loved in return. So many times I see something amazing happening between two friends that could turn into something beautiful and one of them decides it’s not worth it. They don’t know how it’s going to end up and they’re afraid it won’t last and that they’ll end up getting hurt. They don’t want to go through the pain and they don’t want to cause the other pain either. Many times they decide it isn’t worth even getting close to anyone just so that there isn’t even the possibility of them getting hurt or hurting anyone else. They live their life isolated from those who could possibly love them, and that’s not how we are supposed to live life!

Fear shouldn’t decide how you live. Your fears should make you want to try and be stronger and make you want to face them, maybe not at first but eventually they should. I know I get tired of being scared of something. I want them to either go away or I wish I was strong enough to face them, and the first is usually less likely to happen. So what do I do? I take a leap of faith that everything will be OK and I decide to face them, even if that means my heart gets crushed.

Letting fear control our life isn’t how we are meant to live. We have to be confident in the protection that God has for us. He isn’t going to let anything that you can’t handle or that isn’t a part of His plan for you. Now I’m not saying that nothing bad is ever going to happen, because it will, that’s just how life is. The key is to not let our fears keep us from living life to the fullest. We have to take those risks of being hurt, stepped on, talked about and having out hearts smashed into a million pieces. If we don’t live our life then we’ll never know how things could turn out. We can choose to stay stuck in the same place we’ve always been, safe and away from our fears, or we can choose to take that first step outside our boundaries.

So take that leap of faith, live your life outside your “safety circle” and enter the unknown. Who knows, it may be the best adventure you’ll ever have.

~If you never do, then you’ll never know.~ (From a Taco Bell hot-sauce packet. It’s amazing the type of inspiration you can find in the oddest places.)

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