My mom had been sick since I was in 6th grade and being in college this year that makes her having fought her battle for 7 long years. She passed away on Wednesday April 16th 2014 at 9:59 am. I was with one of my really good friends when I found out. I didn’t cry. All could do was breath in and out rapidly as if I were going to hyperventilate.
I was thinking later about it: why didn’t I cry? Why was it that whenever I told the news to some of my closest friends I didn’t cry? And how’s come others who weren’t close to me at all could say one word and make me burst into unforgiving tears? Why can’t I be strong around strangers and yet I don’t feel like I can be weak around those who love me?
So as I layed in a hotel bed with two of my closest friends I finally figured it out. I suddenly realized why I don’t cry around the people I am closest to (right around the same time most of my epiphanies find me, which is usually sometime after 12:30 in the morning).
My closest friends know I keep things together and fixed. I’m what keeps them together when they fall apart. I’m there to put all the pieces back in place. Those who don’t know me have no clue that I am the glue. They can think that I’m like everyone else and that I fall apart sometimes. I don’t have to hold up my reputation to them of being said glue because they don’t know I that Im ever the glue at all.
I am the glue, I have always been the glue, and I always will be the glue.
That’s why I don’t want those closest to me see me cry. Because when glue gets wet things come apart…
So I’m a freshman this year and while I’m here at college I have a loft bed. To get into my bed I climb the rails like a ladder and to get down I step on my roommate’s desk which is conveniently placed at the end of my bed. The heighth of the bed, however, is higher than normal because I have it on bed raisers so I can fit taller things under it, thus making the distance between the top of my bed and the surface of her desk farther than what it would normally be.
Now you see, I have gotten out of my bed many times using her desk and I know it’s always there and that it isn’t going anywhere, but there have been those times when I have had to get out of bed in the dark and for a moment I have a miny panic attack thinking that it isn’t going to be there and that I am going to fall and kill myself. Now even though my roommate would get free tuition if I did die, this would not be an ideal thing to happen at 1 am. So I know that my roommate hasn’t moved it in the last few hours I’ve been asleep and I’m pretty sure that I would’ve woken up if that had been the case, but for some reason my brain thinks that it’s a possibility that some weird, magic, demon elves could have come and moved it in compete silence and that it isn’t going to be there just because my eyes can’t see it. I know this is completely irrational and I often times reprimand my brain for thinking such things, but it still tends to happen any way. So as I slowly begin to slide farther and farther off my bed, all I can do is hope that somehow the desk is still there and that I’ll live to see the light of day once again. And after what seems like an eternity, my foot finally feels the surface of the desk and relief sets in.
So I was thinking about this situation and it made me realize that this is me when I feel that things in my life are in the dark and it seem that God isn’t there. I feel that if I go anywhere I’m going to fall and get hurt, when in reality He’s waiting right where He’s always been. Just because I can’t see Him doesn’t mean that He isn’t there anymore, He’s waiting for me to just step out and realize that He’s never left. I have to take that leap of faith that I know will be solid and trust that I’ll be ok.
I have to remind myself that God will always be the like the desk at the end of my bed. No one is going to move Him and no one ever will and there is nothing that I can do that will ever change where He can or cannot be.
King James Version (KJV)
*Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.*